


You and I

by xxxraquelita



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-17
Updated: 2012-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxxraquelita/pseuds/xxxraquelita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Santana had done the one thing she never wanted to do -- hurt Brittany. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she hoped she could make it right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Santana had no idea how she ended up outside Brittany’s apartment.

Well, that wasn’t true. She knew exactly how she got there and why. It’s just that she couldn’t completely wrap her mind around it.

This was all Rachel Berry’s fault. She was the one who insisted on sending out email newsletters quarterly, reporting on the accomplishments and successes of all the New Directions members from back in the day. Deep down, everyone knew that she only started it so she could tell everyone all the great things she was doing with her life, but at the same time it was a good way to keep up with everyone so no one brought up that part. 

It had all started when the graduated. Rachel demanded all their email addresses and then every few months she would harass them to find out if anything substantial had happened in their lives. It was because of this that Santana knew anything about her friends from high school at all. She wasn’t exactly the best when it came to communication, and she wasn’t one for small talk, so at some point she realized that the newsletter, while annoying at times, was one of her only remaining links to them. 

Without that newsletter, she never would have known that Finn ended up being the starting quarterback his sophomore year of college. Or that Kurt and Blaine moved in together and were living happily in New York City. That Mike started a badass dance crew and they were going to be on what seemed like the hundredth season of America’s Best Dance Crew. Tina was going for her masters, though for the life of her Santana couldn’t remember in what. Santana rarely had anything to say, except how she did great at school, joined a sorority, was in general an amazing person, all that. 

She had all but stopped reading the newsletters for a while. They would appear in her inbox, she would delete them, and that would be all. Even Rachel’s badgering couldn’t get her to bother making up something for her stupid ~high school milestones~ newsletter. It was all because of Brittany.

Everything had been so perfect when the graduated. She finally got to be with her amazing girlfriend and not have to hide from anyone and kissing her out in the open without caring if anyone saw felt better than she could have ever imagined. Not everyone understood or supported them, but she didn’t care. What mattered was that there were people that _did_ and besides, they had each other. Except when they went to college, that’s when a lot of things changed.

Through all the years they had been friends, or more than friends, they had always been together. They had been best friends since preschool. They only lived a few streets over from each other. They had been in dance classes, gymnastics, cheerleading, glee club, everything together. She had never gone more than two days without seeing Brittany, except for the occasional family vacation, but even then they were texting the whole time. 

Except they hadn’t gone to the same college. Being hours away from each other had been torture. Even with texting, and calling, and skype, it hadn’t been enough. There was just the constant not knowing what was going on in the other girl’s life, and if Santana Lopez was anything she was jealous. Hearing from Brittany about the friends she was making, how close she was with her roommate, she’d filled in blanks in her head. Of course looking back she knew she had been irrational, but at the time she had been so sure. It was just that every time she talked to Brittany it had been _my roommate and I_ this and _my roommate and I_ that and after so much Santana had just snapped.

She could still hear Brittany’s tearful voice on the other end of the phone when she called her and told her they were done. There had been such hurt, such sadness, but Santana couldn’t take it back. In her head, there had been something going on and since she wasn’t able to actually be around her girlfriend she just couldn’t do it anymore.

After that, she couldn’t read the newsletters. She couldn’t stand to read all the trivial stuff going on in people’s lives that they thought was so important. She couldn’t chance reading about how Brittany had moved on and was happy without her. By the time she let herself start reading the newsletters again, Santana had moved on. Well, she had convinced herself that she had -- the same way she had convinced herself that she was okay, was happy, without Brittany. 

There was always that thought in the back of her mind, that pang that hurt in her chest, every time she clicked to open one of those stupid newsletters. The fact that every time she saw Brittany’s name in one of them she felt her stomach twist into knots, she should have just acknowledged what that meant. But she couldn’t. Not after what she’d done, how she acted. 

It had been one of those emails from Rachel Berry, of all people, that had gotten her on a plane to New York. Well, partially. Brittany had said in the previous newsletter that she was moving in with her boyfriend, which had been a particularly low blow to Santana, and this one had finally listed their address in case anyone wanted it. It was a combination of that and the fact that she followed Brittany’s twitter. In amongst the random tweets and the times that Brittany sent texts as tweets accidentally, there were the occasional ones that stuck out to Santana more than anything. Not everything was well and good in Brittany’s life with her boyfriend. 

At times, Santana felt like she was reading into things too much again. One hundred and forty characters or less at a time, she was getting clues from Brittany that she wasn’t happy. Anyone else would have called her crazy, but they didn’t know Brittany like she did. She knew her well enough to hear the tone of her words when they were just text. She could see past the words on the screen and what they really meant. 

What they meant was Brittany wasn’t happy.

As ridiculous as it seemed and as absurd as she felt, Santana had to go and see her. She thought about calling, but that seemed riskier than just surprising her. The flight, the taxi ride, they had practically been unbearable. Her head was swimming with thoughts and regrets and above all fear that she was about to ruin something. Then again, what was there left to ruin?

It had been a little too easy to get into Brittany’s apartment building. She’d checked and yes, Brittany’s name was on one of the buzzers, but she didn’t want to take the chance of not getting buzzed in. After lingering around outside, she had been able to convince one of the tenants entering the building that she had just moved in and locked herself out. She climbed the stairs to the third floor and stood there outside the door, checking the apartment number at least four times on her phone before convincing herself that she was actually at the right place. 

Santana Lopez was by no means a wimp. Anyone who would dare to say that had clearly never met her. Standing there in front of that door, trying to work up the gumption to knock, she felt like the wimpiest person in the world. She heard a door open down the hall and, not wanting the person walking out into the hall thinking that she was just some weirdo standing outside doors and listening to people, she quickly brought her hand up and knocked.

It wasn’t until she had actually knocked that she realized there was the potential for Brittany’s boyfriend to answer the door. Oh God, out of all the horrible scenarios she had gone through in her head, that had never been one of them. Now that she could hear someone moving inside the apartment, it was all she was thinking about. Of course she could always lie and say that she got the wrong door or something like that, but what if he knew who she was? Not that she expected Brittany to talk about her but they had been best friends for most of their lives so there was the possibility that he had seen pictures. _Please don’t be him, please don’t be him..._

The door was pulled open as far as the chain hooked on the inside would let it. That pair of irresistible blue eyes was looking at her, and they widened with recognition a split second before the door closed. Santana’s heart sunk, but then the door was open again and this time all the way. Standing there in front of her was Brittany, just... Brittany. She looked just like she always had, all blonde, beautiful, long legs and lean muscles. Her face was showing signs that she was tired, but other than that she looked as perfect as Santana could remember. 

“Hi Brit,” Santana said finally, breaking the silence between them. There was only so much staring at each other she could take before she had to say something and she just wished her voice didn’t sound so unsure. It was enough to make her want to cringe, but she didn’t.

“Santana...” Brittany brow furrowed a little as she leaned in the doorframe. “What are you doing here?” Santana’s nerves started to kick in, and she hoped that Brittany wasn’t just going to kick her out of the building. They had never reconciled after they broke up. They’d never really spoken after they broke up, actually. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea.

“I wanted to see you.” It was the truth, at least. She couldn’t very well lead in with ‘hey, Brit, I stalk your twittter and I started assuming things again so... trouble in paradise?’ Biting her lip, she slid her hands into her pockets, shifting her weight to the side. She wasn’t sure how she had expected this to go, but she didn’t think it was going right so far. “Can I come in?”

After glancing back behind her, as if checking for something, Brittany nodded at her ex-girlfriend. She stepped out of the doorway and let her in, shutting and locking the door behind them. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.” She meant in the city, Santana knew, not just there at her apartment. No one knew about her trip but her, and now Brittany. 

“This is a nice apartment.” Santana didn’t want to bog herself down with small talk and pleasantries but she was having a hard time finding the words she actually wanted to say. Brittany just shrugged in response. This was something Santana was familiar with. When Brittany was upset or mad or hurt, she went quiet. That’s why she tried to get to the point faster, blurting out, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. For everything.”

The way Brittany was just standing there with her arms crossed, her eyes not meeting Santana’s, it was unnerving. Santana watched her carefully, just waiting and hoping for a response. A positive response would be good, but the longer the wait was before Brittany’s words, she was growing more sure that it was going to be negative. What had she been thinking, getting on a plane and showing up out of the blue? It had been such a stupid spur of the moment impulse, and she felt like it had been the wrong one.

“For what?” Brittany spoke quietly, and her gaze flickered up to meet Santana’s. Those eyes, that look she was giving her, Santana just wanted to reach over and touch her. “There’s a lot of stuff that’s happened. I just want to know what you’re sorry for.”

“Everything,” Santana repeated, but the frown that tugged at the corners of Brittany’s mouth told her that wasn’t good enough. “Just... everything. For not trusting you. Thinking you were cheating on me. Not listening. Saying all those awful things and breaking up with you. Never returning any of your texts or calls.” How long was her list going to be? Actually saying all of it out loud made her even angrier at herself for everything she’d done. This was her best friend, or at least she had been. Brittany was the one person who had always been there for her, who had always accepted her for everything she was even when Santana couldn’t do that herself. 

“I never did any of that stuff you said.” Brittany’s voice was practically a whisper, and Santana could see her fingers digging into her arms. 

“Brittany...”

“I didn’t. None of it,” Brittany interrupted, shaking her head and then looking over at her. “I know you think I did but I didn’t. I never would have done that, Santana. Never.”

“I know, Brit,” Santana said, taking a step forward and hesitantly resting her hands on the other girl’s arms. It hurt so much when Brittany stepped back from her, and she let her hands drop. “I know, and I’m so sorry.”

“Then why did you say it?” Brittany asked. She sounded so hurt and Santana couldn’t stand not to be touching her. All she wanted was to hug her and hold her and somehow make everything okay. If there was one person who believed that hugs were magical and could cure anything it was Brittany. 

“Because I was an idiot,” Santana said with a sigh. “I was scared, Brittany. I’d never had to be so far away from you and we were finally together and it hurt to be so far away. Hearing about all the fun you were having and all the friends you were with, I was jealous. You were always going on and on about the stuff you were doing with your roommate and I got it into my head that something was going on. I mean, I know there wasn’t, but I thought there was. I know you would never cheat on me. I _know_ that. You’re the best person I know and knowing that I hurt you like that, I couldn’t stand it. I’ve spent all this time hating myself for doing that and for avoiding talking to you.” 

“It hurt a lot,” Brittany said, and Santana could feel a tug on her heart. The last thing she ever wanted was to hurt her, but she knew she’d done it deliberately. There weren’t many things she regretted in her life, but that was one of the biggest ones. “And it hurt that you never texted back, or called back. You’re my best friend, Santana. I know we broke up but that didn’t mean that you weren’t my best friend anymore. Nothing was ever supposed to change that.”

Those were words Santana hadn’t expected to hear. Brittany referred to her as her best friend. In the present tense. She should have known that Brittany would still think that of her, even if they weren’t together anymore. Brittany was the only person she knew who had no issues being friends with exes. She was the sweetest and most caring person Santana knew, and she just wanted to be friends with everyone no matter what. That was something Santana hadn’t felt she deserved, not after what she’d done. That was why she didn’t call or text back. That was why she didn’t say anything until she felt like she absolutely had to, and this was that time. 

“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” she murmured, not sure how many times she could say the same words. She meant them just as much every time, but she felt like she wasn’t making any headway. “I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t think I could. I wish I had, but I can’t go back and change that. If I could, none of this ever would have happened. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“You know what hurts more?” Brittany went on, reaching up to brush away a stray tear that slipped from her eye. “More than those things you said? Not having you anymore. You were the one person I always had, Santana, and sometimes I just wanted to call and talk to you. No one else knows how my head works like you do, and not being able to talk to you hurt so much. But now you’re here, and you’re just the same. I want us to be the same again.”

“I want that, too,” Santana said, thinking that words couldn’t possibly portray how much she wanted that. She wasn’t sure exactly what Brittany meant, though she assumed she meant them being friends like they had been. Even still, she wasn’t sure what she had been expecting out of her trip to visit Brittany, but this was more than she had hoped. 

Except then Brittany was kissing her. Santana had been lost in her thoughts and the next thing she knew, the familiar taste of bubble gum lip smackers was on her lips. Her heart raced for the briefest moment before she made herself pull back, holding onto Brittany’s shoulders as she looked up at her. “Brittany.” She was a little embarrassed at how breathy she sounded after a short, mostly chaste kiss. It’s just that it was Brittany and she hadn’t kissed Brittany in years and _God_ it was just as amazing as she remembered. “What are you doing?”

“I thought... that’s what you wanted,” Brittany said, her eyes so innocent as they looked into Santana’s. Of course that was what she wanted. More than anything, Santana wanted to be back with Brittany. To be able to hug her, kiss her, touch her, do everything they used to. It took everything in her not to think about having sex with her, in that moment. “Don’t you?”

“I... of course, but... you have a boyfriend.” That hadn’t stopped them in the past, obviously, but this was different. After everything that had happened and the reason they had broken up, Santana was having trouble letting that one slide by. The way Brittany’s face fell at her statement, though, she felt like she had taken a bunch of steps backwards. 

“I don’t think he’s going to be my boyfriend for much longer,” Brittany mumbled, and Santana frowned. Of course. She had been so engrossed in Brittany and feeling horrible about what she’d done and then how it felt to actually be talking to her again that she had forgotten why she’d come in the first place. The little hints she had seen, the trouble in paradise. 

“Why? What’s wrong?” She hoped that it was nothing too serious, otherwise she was actually going to have to meet this guy and teach him a thing or two about how to treat Brittany. Not that she had a lot of room to talk, but she pushed that thought to the back of her mind. All she knew was that when someone hurt Brittany, it was Santana’s job and right to make them pay for it. To be fair, she’d been doing it to herself for years -- the guilt had taken care of that.

“He keeps telling me I have to grow up, get a real person job.” Santana’s brow furrowed as she listened to her. One of the best things about Brittany was that she didn’t let getting older change who she was, how she thought. She was so special, and it made Santana a bit angry to think that someone was trying to take that away from her. Especially since it was someone who probably claimed to love her. 

“Don’t you let anyone tell you that you have to change,” Santana said, her hand trailing down Brittany’s arm and slipping into hers. “You’re absolutely perfect just the way you are.”

“I know I am,” Brittany replied, squeezing her hand. “You always told me that before, and I know it’s true.” Santana knew she shouldn’t feel so surprised that Brittany remembered what she used to tell her. They had been best friends since preschool. That was a lot of years of telling each other things, as opposed to the few years she hadn’t been talking to her. Those years felt longer than the years of the rest of their friendship all put together. 

“He just doesn’t make me feel good about myself. That isn’t fair, though, cause I _should_ feel good about myself. I’m really good at dancing and so why shouldn’t I keep doing that? I _am_ grown up. I’m grown up enough that I can go buy wine and stuff with my own license, not a fake one. I even got all the way through school. I _am_ grown up.” Santana could feel Brittany’s grip on her hand tightening as she spoke, and her voice got a little stronger as she went on as well. It sounded like a lot of things that Brittany practiced saying in her head, or to the mirror, but Santana felt like she had probably never actually said them to her boyfriend. 

“I know, Brit.” Her heart was just breaking for the other girl, wanting nothing more than for her to be happy. If being with this guy could make her happy, then Santana would be glad for her. The problem was that it didn’t sound like that was the case. “You’ve grown up so much, and I’m sorry that I missed so many parts of that. I’m so proud of everything you’ve done, especially getting through school.” She knew that Brittany’s dad, along with so many others, never thought she would be able to get into a college and definitely not graduate. Well she had proven them all wrong. “Anyone who can’t see how much you’ve done, how much you’ve grown, how great you are... well, they don’t deserve you.”

A small smile quirked the corners of Brittany’s mouth upward, and she closed the gap between them, hugging her. Santana slipped her arms around her and rested her chin on her shoulder. This was something she missed more than she realized. Having Brittany there in her arms, hugging her so tight, it was so familiar and perfect. She never wanted to let go. It wasn’t until she heard a key in the lock of the door that she realized she should.

Santana had been hoping to avoid ever meeting Brittany’s boyfriend. Of course it was just her luck that when he walked into the apartment, she and Brittany were holding onto each other so tightly and they hadn’t even started to let go. Judging by the look on his face, that wasn’t exactly what he had wanted to come home to. She wished that she cared, but then again, she didn’t want to make things any worse for Brittany.

“Hi,” Brittany said, her arms slipping from around Santana as she took a step back. She bit her lip, and Santana could see her fidgeting a little. “Ricky, this is Santana. Santana... Ricky.”

“Yeah, I know who she is,” Ricky said, his eyes slightly narrowed. Santana bristled, folding her arms across her chest. Of course he knew who she was. He probably didn’t think very highly of her and honestly she couldn’t blame him, but at the same time she really didn’t appreciate the way he was looking at her. “What’s going on? I thought we had plans for dinner.”

“I was just leaving,” Santana said quickly, the awkwardness of the situation just kind of grating on her. She wished she had more time to talk to Brittany but she doubted she would get the chance since _Ricky_ was there practically glaring at her. Quite frankly, it was ridiculous that he seemed to think that would intimidate her. Clearly he didn’t actually know that much about her. She rolled her eyes and walked over to the door, raising an eyebrow at him until he stepped out of the way. “It was good to see you, Brit,” she said, looking back over her shoulder at the other girl. 

“You too,” Brittany said softly, raising her hand in a little wave. 

Santana left the apartment, stopped outside the door once she closed it and just leaning against the wall. _What was she doing?_ She honestly had no idea. Through the wall she could hear muffled arguing, and she couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault. Because it was. If she hadn’t come to see her, Ricky wouldn’t have been so annoyed or upset or whatever he was. Hearing him raise his voice at Brittany was enough to make her want to kick the door in and give him a piece of her mind, but she couldn’t do that.

“Just leave, Santana,” she muttered to herself. She pushed herself off the wall and went down the hall, heading down the stairs. Her feet had just hit the ground floor when she heard footsteps thundering down the staircase, and she stepped to the side to avoid being hit by whoever was running down. Except it was Brittany.

“Are you staying? I mean, for a few days?” Brittany sounded a little out of breath, and she reached out and grabbed Santana’s hand, looking up at her with such a hopeful expression that Santana had no choice but to nod. She hadn’t really figured out what she was doing there, if she should stay or just leave, but the way Brittany was looking at her made her choice really easy. “Good.” A smile broke across Brittany face and she kissed Santana lightly on the cheek before turning around and running back up the stairs.

“I’m staying,” Santana said, as if she had to convince herself that was true. She wish she knew what she was doing, but she didn’t. All she could do was head out of the apartment building and head for the nearest Starbucks. She really needed some coffee, and to use their wifi to find a hotel.


	2. Chapter 2

This was the worst planned trip of Santana’s life. As in, it hadn’t been planned at all.

After she’d left Brittany’s apartment, she had managed to find herself a hotel room not too far away. The main issue was that she hadn’t brought any luggage with her. Of course she had her netbook in her oversized purse, but other than that she was shit out of luck. That just meant she acquainted herself with the first drug store she could find, and she hit up the first H&M she could find to get some clothes. 

It had been a week and a half.

Staying at the hotel hadn’t been that bad. Santana had emailed her boss to let them know that she’d had a family emergency and was going to be out of town for a while, but she could do her work from where she was and just email it to them. That was what was kind of nice about working for a publisher -- she could do most of her work on her computer.

Had she seen Brittany since she went to her apartment? No. Brittany had seemed so glad that she was staying, but she hadn’t heard from her at all. Santana had sent her a text to let her know where she was staying, but not a single glimpse of her blonde best friend. For the briefest moment she had thought that maybe Brittany was messing with her, stringing her along. Seeming so glad she was staying but then not planning on ever seeing her while she was there.

That thought made her feel so sick to her stomach that she would even consider it. Brittany was far too good and sweet to ever do something like that. She would never deliberately hurt someone, and especially not Santana. It was still playing over and over in Santana’s head, the moment that Brittany had said she was her best friend. It was the present tense that was keeping her there. She was her best friend, still, after everything that had happened. 

There had never been anyone else for Santana. Even in the years she had been without Brittany in her life, there hadn’t been anyone who took her place. Sure, she’d had friends. They came and went just like anyone else. Maybe the closest she’d gotten was with a few of her sorority sisters, but deep down she knew it would never come anywhere near what she’d had with Brittany. 

No one else knew what she’d been through before they met her. All they knew was Santana the lesbian who occasionally bitched people out if they got on her nerves. Santana who partied with the best of them but didn’t particularly open up to anyone. Her roommate sometimes got to see a different side of her, but rarely. Once she moved into the sorority house, that had been the end of that. The only people who got to see anything real from her were her teachers who required her to write personal reflections. 

Honestly, those professors probably knew her better than anyone else had at school. She hadn’t expected to do as much writing about her personal life and self as she had, but at the same she had to admit that she was glad they made her. Without those assignments, it just would have been all caught up inside her and she would have been back in the same place she had been in high school. None of them made her talk to them any more about it. They left comments on her papers, letting her know that if she needed anyone they were there. Letting her know that they appreciated how candid and honest she was about what she had gone through and was going through. 

No one had ever replaced the Brittany sized hole in her life, though. Writing the occasional essay and hearing sympathetic words from her professors was different than having that one person she could talk to no matter what. That friend who wanted nothing but the best for her, no matter what it meant for anyone else. She and Brittany had been so codependent and there was no way anyone else was going to take that spot in her life. 

Now that she had a glimpse of maybe getting that again, it was hard for Santana to wrap her mind around. Living without Brittany had been hard, and this was possibly even a little worse. Sitting there with the knowledge that she wanted her in her life, still thought of her as her best friend, but that she hadn’t seen her since that day. She thought about going back to see her but after experiencing Ricky for less two minutes, she didn’t want to risk having to see him and deal with that situation again. 

Work was keeping her occupied enough, anyway. Her boss was understanding enough to let her take as much time as she needed, but as she was still able to work while she was gone, he was just sending her one thing after another. If not for housekeeping, her hotel room quickly would have become a complete mess of Sprite cans, fast food wrappers, with a big vodka bottle as the centerpiece on the desk. Well, housekeeping left the vodka there, but they cleaned up the rest.

It wasn’t like there was nothing to do, when she needed a break. This was New York City, after all. She saw a lot of the sights and spent time in the parks, keeping a notepad and pen with her in case she felt inspired. Just because she mostly edited other people’s writing these days didn’t mean she didn’t still write on her own. The difference was that she wrote for her and no one else. Sometimes she just needed to take a break from reading someone else’s words and write her own.

A knock on the door made her jump in her seat. Her first thought was that she hadn’t ordered any room service. It wasn’t until she was halfway across the room that she realized it might possibly be Brittany. Her steps faltered as she looked down at what she was wearing. The thing about spending her whole day in her hotel room was that she hadn’t bothered putting on real clothes. Gym shorts and a deep v-neck shirt were going to have to do, and she crossed the final distance and opened the door. 

There was Brittany, standing there looking at her. Santana felt her heart jump for a brief moment before the expression on Brittany’s face registered with her. She looked upset and Santana took her hand, squeezing it lightly. “Brit, what’s wrong?”

“Ricky broke up with me,” Brittany mumbled as she let Santana pull her into the hotel room. She shut the door behind her, and Santana hugged her. To be truthful, she was a little confused. Brittany had sounded so sure the other day when she said that she wasn’t going to be with Ricky much longer. Then again, she wasn’t exactly sure how Brittany had envisioned the breakup going down, and maybe it hadn’t gone quite how she planned it? She had no idea, but with how her friend was hugging her so tight, it didn’t seem like a happy situation. 

“What happened?” Santana asked, pulling back from her embrace and looking up at her. She reached to brush some stray hair out of Brittany’s eyes, and tilted her head a little. 

“Last night he was mad and he was was saying again about how I need to do something other than dance,” Brittany started with a sniffle, her hand slipping into Santana’s again. “And so I finally told him all the stuff I told you. About how that’s what I want to do and it’s okay because it’s what I’m good at, and how I don’t need to grow up cause I _am_ a grown up.” She squeezed her hand, frowning. “He didn’t really like that, and he started going on and on about how I’d never said any stuff like that before and he said he thought you put me up to it or something.”

“He said _what_?” Santana’s eyes narrowed. No way was she going to get blamed for that asshole’s inability to appreciate Brittany for the amazing person she was. He could blame her for anything he wanted that was actually her fault, she couldn’t take that away, but if he thought he could get away with blaming her for his shit, he had another thing coming.

“He was mad that you were there, the other day.” Alright, she would give him that much. If their places were switched, she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have liked it either. That still wasn’t a reason to take it out on Brittany. None of that had been her fault. “He was really mad about it. I think he thought you were trying to get me to leave him for you or something, I couldn’t really tell cause he was being loud about it and after someone’s voice gets so loud I just can’t understand what they’re saying anymore.” 

“That’s not fair, Brit,” she said, shaking her head. “That wasn’t fair of him at all. You felt like that before I came and saw you. You know that. Just because he won’t listen doesn’t change that.” 

“I know,” Brittany said, resting her head on Santana’s shoulder. She sighed, and Santana ran her hands along her back soothingly. “It’s just, I don’t like when anyone’s upset. Especially when it’s kind of my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Santana murmured, her fingertips brushing against the ends of Brittany’s hair. She was trying to comfort her as much as possible, but she wasn’t exactly sure how. She pressed a kiss against her hair, her eyes closing for a moment as she took in a breath, catching the all too familiar scent of Brittany’s shampoo. Some things never changed. “Apples.”

“What?” Brittany raised her head up a little, furrowing her brow as she looked at her.

“You smell like apples,” Santana said, offering her a bit of a smile, tucking her hair behind her ears. “You’ve always smelled like apples.” Her smile grew when the corners of Brittany’s mouth quirked up, glad she could make the other girl smile even a little. She raised an eyebrow as the taller girl leaned in and burrowed her face against the top of her head. “What are you doing?”

“You don’t smell like normal,” Brittany said as she pulled back. There was a slight look of disappointment on her face, and Santana couldn’t help but laugh lightly.

“It’s because they didn’t have my normal shampoo at the drugstore,” she explained, shaking her head. “I was stupid and didn’t pack anything, so I just had to go get stuff from there.”

“You didn’t pack anything? Why not?”

“I... didn’t know I was going to stay,” Santana said, her voice quiet. Brittany was looking at her like she didn’t understand, and she sighed. “I just needed to see you. I didn’t really think about packing, I just got on the first plane I could find leaving Columbus and coming here. It’s not my best moment, I know, but...” Brittany interrupted her by kissing her softly, and Santana’s head was swimming for those brief seconds before the other girl pulled away.

“No, it is,” Brittany murmured, her forehead resting against Santana’s. “It _is_ your best moment. That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.” Santana leaned up, hesitantly kissing her. It was one thing to be kissed by Brittany, but a whole other to kiss her. Brittany was so sweet and she loved kissing so she tended to kiss anyone. Not in a floozy way, but in an endearing way. Like how she always used to kiss Kurt even though he clearly never would have had an interest in her, though that had almost always been on the cheek. She wasn’t trying to lessen the two kisses she’d gotten from her in the past week, but she wanted to make sure it wasn’t just a friendly gesture. 

Brittany’s lips were so soft, and they still tasted of bubble gum chapstick. It was so intensely familiar and like everything she remembered, especially when Brittany’s lips parted and captured Santana’s lower lip between them. It was such a small thing, she’d felt it hundreds of times before, but that didn’t stop Santana from gasping. The way Brittany was sucking on her lip, it harkened back to so many memories and it had been so long since she had kissed her. She pulled back, and Brittany’s teeth grazed against her lip as it left her mouth. That alone sent shivers up Santana’s spine. 

Her hands rested on Brittany’s hips and pulled her in close as she kissed her again, most certain and assured this time. There was no hesitation as her tongue swiped over the other girl’s lips, pressing in as her lips parted with a sigh. She moaned softly into her mouth as their tongues swirled together, and Brittany’s fingers were tangling into her hair. It was all Santana could do not to shove her up against the wall and kiss her as hard as she could. The slow, sweet kissing had always been torture to her -- amazing torture, but still. For once she was willing to tolerate it. Because it was Brittany, and it was the first time in so long, and it was so worth it. 

With Brittany sucking on her tongue like that, Santana felt like her knees might give out. She let her hands roam all along her body, as if reacquainting herself. Up her hips, sides, running along her arms before cupping her face in her hands. She pulled away to catch her breath for a moment, just holding Brittany’s face in her hands and looking up at her. 

“Please don’t stop,” Brittany whispered, and Santana caressed her thumb against her cheek. She didn’t want to stop, not now and not ever, if she was being honest. Her hands slid up Brittany’s arms to meet with where her fingers were threaded in her hair. She pulled them away gently, linking their fingers together. There was so much she felt like she should say, like she wanted to say, but when it came to Brittany she had always been better with actions than words. So she didn’t say anything and just walked backwards across the room, pulling the other girl along with her over to the bed.

Her heart was racing as she sat down with her on the edge, and she kissed her tenderly. It was just an amazingly soft feeling, their lips against each other, and Santana ran her teeth along Brittany’s lower lip before she stopped long enough to push the other girl back down onto the bed. Santana stopped to take a moment to look at her laying there, her hair splayed out all around her head, her eyes locked on the girl in front of her. She whimpered softly, holding her hands up and making a grabbing motion toward her, and that was a little too much for Santana to take without doing something. 

She crawled up over Brittany, straddling her as she crushed her mouth with hers. There was such desperation behind the kiss that time, as opposed to the sweet softness of the kisses before. Something inside of her had snapped when Brittany told her not to stop, and she had absolutely no plans to. Her mouth moved along the other girl’s jaw, nipping at it lightly before moving down to her neck. There was so much want radiating through her body, still finding it slightly hard to believe that she had Brittany there with her, wanting her. She trailed open mouthed kisses down her neck, licking and sucking at her skin and reveling in the little moans and whimpers she was elliciting from her. 

Brittany hands ran up her back, her fingertips digging in and racking her loose t-shirt up to her shoulders. Santana sat back enough to let her tug it over her head, and she pushed Brittany’s shirt up and yanked it off once the other girl sat up a little. They both stayed still for a long moment, taking in the sight of each other and just listening to each other as their breath fell heavily over their lips. It almost felt like the first time, Santana thought. The first time they’d done this. They had seen each other with very little clothes so many times before then, thanks to cheerleading, but it had been different. It was the first time they were actually paying attention and really looking at each other. That was what it felt like, then.

Leaning down over her again, Santana dropped kisses along her collarbone. Brittany’s hands ran up the back of her thighs, stopping on her ass and giving it an little squeeze. Santana groaned, her teeth grazing against her skin. Her hand slid around Brittany’s back, easily undoing the clasp on her bra and pulling away as the other girl moved to remove it. There was only a brief moment of pausing to look at her, that time, before she was down on her again, closing her mouth over her breast. Her tongue swirled around her nipple before flicking against it, and Brittany moaned, her hips surging up to meet hers. Santana sucked on it, dragging her teeth across it lightly before moving over to her other breast and giving it the same treatement. Brittany’s hands were in her hair again, her fingers tangled tight against her scalp. 

The way Brittany’s hips kept rolling into hers was making it hard to concentrate. One the one hand she wanted to savor every second, take her time running her mouth over every inch of the other girl’s body. On the other, she just wanted to rip her pants off and go straight for it. Every time Brittany’s hips met hers, combined with how she was writhing beneath her, Santana leaned more toward the second hand. She moved her hand down, quickly popping the button and undoing the zipper of Brittany’s jeans. Her fingers slipped inside and she moaned as she could feel how wet she was even through her cotton panties. Brittany’s hips jerked as Santana’s fingers stroked against her through the fabric, and the whine that escaped from the blonde girl’s lips was almost inhuman. 

Brittany’s hands left Santana’s hair and caught on the top of her jeans, shoving them down over her hips and squirming in a desperate attempt to get them off. Sometime between sitting on the bed and that moment she had managed to kick her shoes off, but that wasn’t helping her get the tight denim down her legs. Santana moved down and stilled her hands, her lips brushing against her stomach before she tugged the jeans down and off Brittany’s legs. Those impossibly long legs of Brittany’s, she just wanted to bite and lick her way up one and down the other. The only thing that stopped her from doing that was Brittany making those grabbing motions at her again, so she just ran her hands along her legs as she crawled on her knees back up the bed. 

Once she got close enough, Brittany pulled her down into a sloppy, longing kiss and fumbled with the clasp on her bra. Fleetingly, Santana remembered how she’d always had to help Brittany with that before, and she moved a hand back to undo the hooks herself. She groaned low in her throat as the other girl’s hands, soft and with slender fingers, cupped her breasts, her thumbs rubbing in circles over her nipples. Her hand slid down Brittany’s torso, slipping past the thin fabric and between her legs. Feeling her wet heat, she broke the kiss with a moan, burrowing her face against the crook of her neck and sucking on her skin.

It really wasn’t fair, that whining and whimpering thing that Brittany kept doing. It just made it impossible for Santana to think straight or to take her time or anything. She slipped a finger into her and bit lightly at her skin as Brittany’s hips moved against her hand. The other girls hands slid around and her fingernails dug into Santana’s back, making her bite down harder. Crooking her finger inside, she stroked against her and Brittany’s hands moved to her shoulders, pushing her to move down. Santana dropped open mouthed kissed down her torso as she scooted down the bed, still moving her finger against her. She used her free hand to pull down Brittany’s panties and the other girl kicked them off, wrapping her legs around Santana tightly for a moment, almost like a hug, and then letting them fall to the sides. 

Brittany really was just so beautiful. Having here there, stretched out on the bed, completely naked, it was the stuff dreams were made of. Except she was real, so very real, and she was right there and her hips were rolling into Santana’s fingers, little breathy huffs falling from her lips every so often. Santana settled in between her legs, but kissed her hipbone instead. Those stupid perfect hipbones that jutted out enough that she couldn’t help but run the tip of her tongue along them, and bite them, and suck on them, just for good measure. Brittany was squirming, but her hands had moved back into Santana’s hair and then were twisting and knotting in it and tugging just a little bit. 

She wasn’t trying to torture Brittany, though she was sure the other girl though differently. There was just so much she wanted to do, wanted to savor, and she couldn’t help herself now that she had the opportunity. Not wanting to frustrate her more than she already had, she lowered her head down between her legs and looked up at her, their eyes locked for a brief moment before she ran her tongue along her. Brittany cried out softly and _oh God_ that was the best sound she’d heard in her life. She moved her hand away and used them both to hold down Brittany’s hips, closing her mouth over her clit with a moan. 

Her hair really was being pulled on then, and that just turned her on even more. Brittany’s reactions to anything were so unbelieveable hot that she felt like she could probably come from those alone. Her tongue lazily swirled around her clit and Brittany’s hips bucked against her hold, a moan full of swearing mixed with Santana’s name filling the room. Easing up on her hold, she let her fingertips slowly work their way up Brittany’s torso, her sliding up onto her breasts and carressing them as she flattened her tongue and ran it all the way along her.

Hearing her name in what could only be described as a whimpered plea, she groaned and moved her hands back down to her hips, where she could grip tightly as she felt Brittany trembling slightly. Her fingers dug into her skin and she let the tip of her tongue tease against her before pushing in. Brittany’s hips jerked almost violently, struggling against Santana’s hands. There wasn’t much she could do about that, though, nor anything else. Santana had barely gotten into a rhythm with her tongue thrusting into the other girl when Brittany came with a cry, her body arching up off of the bed. Her body shook as she lowered back down, and Santana just sucked and licked at her slowly before dropping kisses along the inside of her thigh, making her shudder, and then crawled up her body.

“C’mere,” Brittany mumbled, grabbing onto her arms and pulling her up the rest of the way. Santana kissed her briefly before letting out a little squeak as the other girl flipped her over. It was really astounding how quickly Brittany could go from a whimpering, writhing mess to the girl who was on top of her, yanking down her shorts before Santana could even really process that she was on her back. 

“Brit,” she started, only to break off in a moan as the other girl’s slender fingers slid between her legs. She let her legs fall to the side and her hips rocked up against Brittany’s hand. Santana had been aching for some contact, some friction, but had been too intent on everything to do with Brittany that she hadn’t had the chance. She knew she wasn’t going to last long, not after all that and especially not with the way Brittany’s thumb was tracing circles around her clit and her fingers were shallowly pumping into her. 

Their mouthes met in a wanting kiss, a little sloppy but oh so good. Santana whimpered against her lips, feeling Brittany’s fingers slip further into her. Her hands gripped the other girl’s shoulders as she felt the pressure building up in her body. The way Brittany’s tongue was running along the roof of her mouth, the way her fingers were stroking against her just so, and that flick she kept giving with her thumb, she knew she was done for. Her fingers dug into her skin as she felt like her body was exploding in pleasure, her hips stilling and a loud gasp escaping her. 

Santana couldn’t believe everything that was happening. If anyone told her two weeks prior that soon she was going to be in a hotel room in New York City, naked with Brittany, having an orgasm so intense she felt like she was seeing stars, she would have laughed in their face. She might have even slapped them. It was amazing how something that seemed so impossible was actually happening, and as Brittany flopped down on top of her, their legs tangling together and her head resting on her chest, she was still having trouble registering that it was real.

Brittany was there. She was real. Her fingers actually _were_ running down her arm with a featherlight touch. Their fingers were lacing together. Brittany’s breath was playing along her skin as she nuzzled against her chest. Santana brought up her free hand to run her fingers through Brittany’s hair, gently working out the tangles as she got her breathing back to normal. This was what she wanted, what she needed.

And the number one thing she didn’t want to think about was how she was eventually going to have to go back to Ohio.


	3. Chapter 3

Being in Ohio was like torture.

Santana had stayed in New York as long as she could, but it hadn’t been that long at all. There was only so long she could tell her boss that she was away due to a family emergency before he started to get suspicious, even though she was still getting her work in on time. In hindsight, the fact that she was having no problem getting all her work done and sent in right away might have been a slight giveaway that there wasn’t an emergency going on. So after staying in a hotel for two weeks she found herself heading back to the Midwest, wanting to be there even less than usual.

Going to the airport had been a trying experience. Brittany had gone with her, and when they’d gotten to the security gate she hadn’t wanted to let go. It broke Santana’s heart to see her like that, but she understood. Inside she felt like she was being ripped apart all over again. The time she had actually gotten to spend with Brittany while she was there, it had been more than she had ever imagined. It felt like they had fallen right back in where they had left off. Being in the city made it even better. They were able to walk around holding hands, cuddle on park benches, steal a kiss here and there, without feeling like someone was going to attack them for it. Lima had never gotten good at that.

She could understand why Brittany got so upset about her leaving. The last time they had separated from each other, everything had gone to shit. That was completely Santana’s fault, and she knew it wasn’t going to happen again. She knew better than to let her insecurities ruin her life again, especially where Brittany was concerned. Older, wiser, much more aware of what was going on, she couldn’t quite figure out which it was or if it was all of the above. 

There had been so many tears at the airport, from both of them. Brittany had clung onto her and cried into the crook of her neck, and having the other girl crying was enough to make Santana cry herself. She’d never been good at keeping it under control once Brittany was crying, and especially not when it was something that was technically her doing. Eventually she’d had to prise herself out of Brittany’s tight grip, giving her one last kiss that earned a lot of throat clearings and a few annoying whistles from the people around them. She didn’t care about any of that. People could stare and judge as much as they wanted, she had Brittany and that was all that mattered. 

Getting through security and to her gate, all she could think about was how much she really didn’t want to go. It may have seemed rash and sudden and completely out of the blue, but if she could have quit her job and stayed she would have. She had only had a few days with Brittany, just the two of them, but that was all she needed. Anyone who knew the two of them well enough would know it wasn’t unrealistic. Being with Brittany was what felt more right than anything else in the world, and once she had gotten past the initial sadness and hurt of Ricky breaking up with her, she had gone back to being the bubbly and wonderful person that Santana had always known.

When she landed in Columbus, it didn’t feel right. It felt strange not to be in New York, and getting in a taxi to go to her empty apartment. Well, empty in the sense that she was going to be there on her own. She did remember to text Brittany and let her know that she got back just fine, and it made her smile when she got a quick response. Texts to and from Brittany -- that was something to get used to again. The picture that popped up on her phone for Brittany’s name was the same as it had been before, a silly picture of them from a cheerleading competition their senior year. She’d never thought to change it, and then they hadn’t been talking, so it stayed. 

Days seemed to last forever. Work was just the same, and she spent her time there working as hard as she could to get through everything so she wouldn’t have to stay later than normal. It wasn’t even that she had anything to do when she got home, it was just the thought that if she was home she could potentially be talking to Brittany. She felt like she was back in high school. No, not even that. Back in high school, she and Brittany had been inseparable. This was what she’d always heard people talk about, or seen in movies, that yearning to be talking to someone as much during a twenty-four hour period as possible.

Maybe it was that they had skipped that part the first time around. They had never had that rush of excitement when it came to being with each other. Their relationship had eased from phase to phase without pausing for breath. They were so deeply involved without ever admitting to anything. Never had the words ‘just friends’ been a bigger lie. The fact that it had taken Santana so long to tell Brittany she loved her, well, she was still embarrassed by that. 

Honestly, Santana felt a little silly about how she was acting. She had never been like this before, and it kind of scared her. If it had been anyone other than Brittany, she would have been even more worried. It’s just that it had been so long since she had talked to her on a regular basis. So long since she was involved with anyone more than just a semi-drunken night. So very long since Santana had felt that tug on her heart every time her phone buzzed or rang, hopeful that it would be her. Part of her felt ridiculous about it, but most of her didn’t care. 

It was kind of happening like it had before, in some ways. After all, it’s not like they had discussed what they were doing or what anything meant. Brittany had just gotten out of a relationship with someone she had been with for almost a year. There was no way Santana was going to rush her into anything, especially after that. Though if there was anyone who got over things quickly, it was Brittany. She had probably forgiven Ricky and tried to be his friend again within a week. Even still, there were no labels involved, no guarantee of anything. But Santana had faith. 

A month of long days had passed since Santana got back from New York. There had been many nights she had fallen asleep still on the phone with Brittany. At some point she had talked Brittany through how to install Skype on her computer, and that had made everything much better. Of course they talked all the time, but there was something so much better about actually being able to see her while they talked. Maybe it was that she hadn’t seen her in so long, or maybe it’s just because it was Brittany, but being able to look at her while they talked was something Santana loved so much.

So that was how her evenings went. Getting home from work, having a bit of dinner, and then trying to keep busy until it was time to talk to Brittany. There were the odd nights that she would go out to dinner or have a drink down in the Short North with a coworker, but for the most part she kept to herself. It wasn’t that different than before she went to New York, except the part where she had something she was looking forward to all day. Work had been her focus for so long, it was nice to have something else as a constant. 

From what she could tell, that was what it was like for Brittany, too. All she ever heard from the other girl was about how she’d been practicing, looking for auditions. It seemed like every time she talked to her or saw her, she had just gotten out of the shower. Maybe it was wishful thinking, though Santana liked to believe it was true, that Brittany wanted to talk to her as soon as she could, and that’s why she was always fresh out of the shower. After all, she always said she had _just_ gotten home. 

Santana had just finished her dinner and had settled in with a glass of wine to watch Jeopardy. Sometimes she thought she got way too much pleasure out of yelling at the people on her television, but then again these were people that had someone passed a test to be on the show and sometimes they were really not that smart. Her laptop was open on the coffee table in front of her, but it was mostly closed. Seeing email notifications pop up from coworkers who didn’t know the meaning of going home at the end of the day was not how she wanted to spend her night. 

The familiar ringing sound from Skype played through the speakers, and she almost missed it because of a particularly loud commercial. She jabbed the power button on the remote with her thumb and pulled her laptop onto her crossed legs. Tilting the screen back, she pulled up Skype and clicked to receive the call. A smile broke across her face as the video call went through, the little window that was Brittany finally popping up on her screen.

Maybe it was that she went so long without seeing her before, or maybe it was the fact that it was Brittany and she was gorgeous beyond belief, but she always looked so perfect. It was probably a combination of the two things, Santana knew, but she didn’t care. Whatever the reason, Brittany always looked beautiful. Even when she was tired, or she was wearing the most ridiculous outfit, or even the few times she had gotten on Skype right after a practice and she was all messy and sweaty, she looked amazing. 

That day, Brittany was still blow-drying her hair when the video chat started. Santana couldn’t help but smile at that. That was the sort of thing that made her believe that Brittany wanted to get to their Skype time as soon as she could when she got home, since she hadn’t even bothered to wait until she was done drying her hair. The blonde girl waved at her with her free hand, and it looked like she had said ‘hi’ even though there was no way for Santana to hear her over the roar of the blowdryer. All Santana could do was wave, and then take a sip of wine while she waited for the noise to stop.

It was usually the same, every day. First they would talk about their days, though usually nothing out of the ordinary happened. At least, not with Santana. Brittany was the one with the somewhat exciting life. New York City was a lot more interesting of a place than Columbus, Ohio and even if she was just talking about what she had for dinner it was likely that would be more exciting than most of Santana’s day. That day once all the small talk was over, though, Brittany looked like she had something on her mind. It was the way her head was tilted, the slight furrow of her brow, and Santana frowned. “Brit? What’s wrong?” 

“Just thinking,” Brittany said, and she shifted around on the screen like she was trying to find a more comfortable way to sit. “About us.” Santana tried to keep herself from being nervous. It was just that look Brittany had on her face, like she was confused or unsure. That wasn’t exactly a good look to have when discussing something like that.

“What about us?” she asked, raising her wine glass to her lips to take the last few sips of it before setting it off to the side. 

“What are we?” Oh, there it was. That question that had to be asked at some point. It was a little too reminiscent of how everything had happened in the past, actually. The ease into something familiar and comfortable without ever talking about what it meant. It was difficult to stop and have that discussion when things were so good and when there was so little time to enjoy together. 

“What do you think we are?” she asked carefully. She wasn’t trying to avoid the question, she just wanted to know Brittany’s stance on the whole situation. And alright, maybe she was trying to avoid it a little. 

“Well we aren’t dating,” Brittany said slowly, playing with a bit of her hair. “Because, you’re there and I’m here. Right? And when it was like that before it was bad.” Santana knew that was coming, and she deserved it. That didn’t make it hurt any less. If it was going to go like this, she wished that the conversation wouldn’t happen at all. “I don’t want that to happen again, and what if it does? I don’t want to feel like that, and then not have you.”

“Brittany,” Santana started, moving her laptop in closer so she could see her better. She hated that all she had a picture on a computer screen, because all she wanted was to hug her, to pull her in close and not let go until she had proven somehow that she wasn’t going anywhere. “What happened before, that won’t ever happen again. I’m not a stupid nineteen year old anymore, and I know a lot better. I totally get it if you don’t want to say we’re dating, or whatever, that’s fine. We can be whatever you want to be.” She was just so glad to have her in her life again and yes, she wanted to say that they were dating or something like that, but it really was up to Brittany. She was the one who got to make that kind of call, she had more than earned that right.

There was a long enough silence that she wondered if the video had frozen. Brittany wasn’t talking, wasn’t moving, and Santana had just about moved to close the window so she could call her back when the other girl shifted. The silence was almost worse than the somewhat awkward conversation because silence, when it came from Brittany, was rarely ever a good sign. She only got quiet when she was upset, and that was why Santana was slightly on edge while she waited. 

“I want to be dating you,” Brittany said, and Santana’s eyes widened a little. There had been so much quiet that she had all but convinced herself that whatever Brittany was going to say was going to be bad. She honestly hadn’t expected to hear that. “I want that so much, but I’m scared.” 

“Brit, I don’t know what I can do to help,” Santana said, frustrated that she couldn’t reach out and touch her, kiss her, anything. If she was in a place where she could, the problem they were having wouldn’t be as bad. It hurt her heart to know that Brittany was scared to take that step, to date her again. Even though she knew she was completely forgiven for her words and actions in the past, there was that lasting wound. “You know I love you...”

“I love you too.”

“Nothing’s going to change that,” she continued, pausing to think over her words before she spoke them. “I love you so much and I know I messed up. I don’t know what I can say to make you less scared. You’re the most important person in my life, Brit. You have been ever since we started being friends back in preschool. I know the last few years weren’t good for us. I know that. I wish I could take back everything I did, but I can’t, so right now there’s nothing I want more than to make it up to you, however I can.” She took a deep breath, and she vaguely became aware of the fact that she was digging her fingernails into her palms. “I would be so, _so_ proud to call you my girlfriend again. If you don’t want that, or aren’t ready, or anything, that’s fine. I just want you to know how I feel.”

Once again, the silence was killing her. She wondered if Brittany was aware of the power she held with her way of not talking. Santana felt like she was going to need another glass of wine, or maybe another bottle, but then she heard a soft sniffle. She squinted at the screen, finding it completely annoying how the picture wasn’t the clearest and so she couldn’t see everything perfectly. Brittany wiped her face with her hand, so Santana was almost certain she was crying. “Brit?”

“I don’t want to be scared.” Brittany’s voice warbled a little as she spoke, and Santana could feel her stomach twisting in knots. She hated it when Brittany cried, especially when she couldn’t hug her and try to make her feel better. Especially when she was kind of the cause. “I’ve wanted this for so long. It’s just that my head won’t stop, no matter how much I want it to. You’re my favorite person and I don’t want to think that you would hurt me again. It’s just I’m scared because you’re so far away and I’m so far away and it’s even more than when we were in college.”

“I know it’s further than before,” Santana said, pursing her lips for a moment. “But we’re also all grown up now. We know more, we know better. We can make this work, if you want it to. Or if you don’t...”

“No, I do,” Brittany interrupted, and Santana felt like a little bit of weight was lifting off her shoulders. At least there was that. That was more reassuring than Brittany realized, she was sure, and it was so good to hear. It wasn’t like this was something they had to figure out that night, right then, but if not then... when? They had always been so good at avoiding conversations like this, it was possible they could have gone for so long without ever talking about it. This was good, it was progress, and it was even kind of positive. “I want that.”

Santana breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. I’ll be right back, okay?” She waited for Brittany to nod and then got up, going into the small kitchen of her apartment. Leaning against the counter, she took a few deep breaths. Her chest felt tight, and it was a mixture of good and bad. She felt so overwhelmed, hearing those words, that affirmation from Brittany, but at the same time she was scared that somehow she would hurt her again. It wasn’t something she ever wanted to do, but what if she did it unintentionally? What about when that happened and she made Brittany’s fears come true? _No_ , she thought, rubbing the heels of her hands against her eyes. _Stop it. You aren’t going to do that. Everything’s different now, just like you said._

All she knew was how much she needed to be with Brittany, and she would do anything to keep from making her sad or upset. They would make it work, somehow.


	4. Chapter 4

The next time Santana went to New York, it wasn’t to see Brittany.

There was only so much she could take of only having phone calls and skype sessions. Months of just hearing Brittany’s voice, or being able to see her but knowing she was so far away, it was torture. It hadn’t been easy for them to establish what they were doing, but they had managed to slap the dating label on it. That had been a scary step for both of them, but they had taken that step. It was hard for each of them in different ways. 

Santana hated not being able to be there with her. She had always been really in touch with the physical aspects of relationships, and not just when it came to sex. Of course that was a big part, but sometimes she just wanted to hug her. When Brittany was sad, all Santana wanted to do was hug her and hold her and make her feel like everything was going to be fine. The fact that she couldn’t do that made her feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. 

Brittany was still scared about the distance between them. It wasn’t the fact that last time, Santana had hurt her so badly. It was more that she didn’t like how far away they were. Yes, being so far apart brought back some of those feelings, even though she had so much reassurance that it would never happen again. The last thing Santana wanted was to hurt her again, and especially not like that. That was why she wanted to be closer to her. That was why she was in New York.

She had been working so hard to be good at her job. All she wanted was a flawless resume, and a stunning recommendation from her boss. So despite the fact that most of the time her thoughts were somewhere else, she did everything she could to do her job well. It also helped that she had always been driven to be the best at whatever she was doing. That was how she had gotten through school with the grades she did, got a good job straight out of college, and managed to get an interview at a publishing company in New York.

That trip had been much better planned than her impromptu trip months before. She got there a day early and settled in at a hotel closer to her interview than Brittany’s apartment. As much as she wanted to see her girlfriend, she thought it was better if she didn’t. Right in that moment, right then, she just needed to focus on the task at hand. Once she had her interview, once she got the job, that was when she could tell Brittany. 

More than anything she wanted to tell Brittany what she was doing, that she was trying to get a job close to her so they could actually see each other. That was how much she meant to her. She had no reservations with packing up and moving if it meant she got to be closer to Brittany. It helped that the job she interviewed for was better than the one she currently had. The fact that she had gotten past the phone interview and had moved on to the interview in person, that was a big step for her. It felt like it was real, even if she hadn’t gotten the job yet. She was that much closer to it. But she didn’t want to tell Brittany just in case she didn’t get it. Building up her hopes just to let them down was not on Santana’s to-do list.

Besides, Brittany had enough going on for her. She was working so hard at her own career, the last thing she needed added to her plate was something to worry about for Santana’s sake. There was a reason their phone calls usually ended because Brittany was falling asleep, and why Santana usually got to see her nodding off when they were skyping. She was working so hard and dancing so much that by the time she got home, she was just done and ready to crash. No matter how tired she was, though, she always made time to talk to Santana. Even if it meant that she was missing out on some sleep that she wanted so badly. All that was why she didn’t tell Brittany about her interview, and also because she didn’t see a reason for her to stress over something that she didn’t have anything to do with. At least not directly. 

As far as the actual interview, it went as well as could be expected. If there was anyone who was confident and self assured when it came to those types of situations, it was Santana Lopez. She knew she was good at her job, and she had no problem telling anyone about it. Especially when those people were potentially going to hire her. When it came to people she needed to impress, she had no problem talking herself up. 

The other reason she didn’t tell Brittany she was there was because she was barely there at all. She flew in the day before the interview, and then left the night after. Less than forty-eight hours in the city wasn’t exactly optimal time to accomplish what she came there to do _and_ spend enough time with Brittany to make it seem like she was only there for her. Sometimes it was easier not to say anything.

There were other people up for the job, of course, and they had told her they were doing interviews all week. Going back to work without knowing how she stood in regards to the job was stressful. She knew she was putting all her eggs in one basket but she didn’t have much of a choice. There were only so many jobs, so many opportunities, and she had only gotten one interview. 

When she got that call, the call she got the job, she had barely been able to finish the phone call in a dignified manner before punching the end button on her cell phone, clutching it to her chest, and jumping around her apartment. There was more triumphant yelling and fist pumping than she was particularly proud of, but she didn’t care. She just was so excited and so happy and all she wanted to do was tell Brittany and be able to hug her and celebrate it with her. 

That was why she decided to wait until she was actually in New York to tell her. 

Leaving her current job had not been difficult. Her boss and coworkers were aware that she was attempting to get a job elsewhere, not because she was unhappy there but because she wanted to move, and they were more supportive of her endeavors than she had expected. It helped, she supposed, that she had been so much happier since she and Brittany had started being friends again, started dating again. She actually did feel sad when she told them she was leaving. While she hadn’t been particularly close to anyone there, they were all on fairly friendly terms. 

When it came to her living situation, Santana was torn. She knew she needed to get a jump on finding an apartment. Two weeks between her last day at her former job and her first day at her new one was not much time to get all her stuff packed and to the city, but especially not when she didn’t even have a place to live. Of course she had been researching apartments while she waited to hear back from the company on whether or not she got the job, but that didn’t mean she had gotten around to applying for any of them. 

Packing up her life in Ohio wasn’t easy. There was only so much she could do at a time before she got overwhelmed by it all. She just took it step by step, room by room, day by day. By the end of the week, she had everything but her bathroom essentials and some of her clothes packed. That was why she went back to New York. Because she was done packing, because she needed to check out some apartments, and because she had to tell Brittany. 

There was a different type of nervousness that time, as she stood outside Brittany’s apartment building. She knew the other girl was home, as she’d gotten a text saying that she was done with rehearsal early. There were still some butterflies in her stomach as she hit the speed dial number for her girlfriend.

“Hi!” Brittany answered brightly, and Santana smiled as she leaned against the wall beside the door. “Did you get out of work early or something?”

“Something like that, kind of,” Santana said, chewing on her lip a little. “You’re at home, right?”

“Right.”

“So, want to come let me in?” There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then a thud. “Brit?” She heard a lot of noises, but no words in response from Brittany, and then a door slamming closed. “Brittany?” There was nothing but silence and she looked at her phone to make sure the call hadn’t been dropped, but then the door beside her was pulled open and there she was.

Santana had just stepped away from the wall when Brittany threw herself onto her, arms and legs holding on tight, and she just slipped her arms around the blonde girl to hug her in return. “You’re here!” Brittany said into the crook of her neck, where her face was buried. She was clinging onto her so closely and Santana didn’t want to let go. 

“I’m here,” she repeated, kissing against her hair. “I’m here, Brit.” She held her tightly until she felt the other girl’s death-grip on her loosening a little. “Can we go up?”

“Yeah,” Brittany said, dropping her feet down to the ground and taking hold of Santana’s hand as she dug into her pocket for her key. They made their way up to her apartment and once they were inside, Brittany pulled her in close and kissed her. There it was, that feeling she got in her stomach that replaced all the nerves and butterflies that had been there before. That feeling she got when Brittany kissed her was so much better than all that. Her lips parted with a sigh as Brittany’s tongue flicked over them, but she pulled back after a long moment.

“Brit, I have to tell you something,” she said, cupping the other girl’s face in her hands as she looked up at her. There was immediately so much concern on Brittany’s face, and she continued quickly. “No, it’s a good something.”

“What is it?”

“What if I told you we didn’t just have to talk on the phone and we could see each other for real instead of just on the computer?” Santana asked quietly, feeling her nerves coming back a bit. It had been a bigger step than she liked to think about, but that step had been taken and there was no turning back. Brittany just tilted her head, her brow furrowed a little, and Santana slid her hands down her arms and laced their fingers together. “I got a job here in New York.”

It took about three seconds for those words to sink in, and then Brittany was jumping onto her. Santana hadn’t been ready for that, and she stumbled back a step and hit the wall. Her head hit it kind of hard but she couldn’t find it in her to care, the way that Brittany was kissing her. This time, her nerves were gone for two reasons: the kissing, and also the fact that the kissing meant that her girlfriend was happy with what she had done. 

“You got a job here?” Brittany asked as she pulled away, her eyes searching Santana’s as she waited for an answer, a confirmation that she hadn’t just heard things wrong or something like that. When Santana nodded, Brittany just pressed in against her, their foreheads resting together for a moment. “Are you here now? Like, for good?”

“Not yet,” she answered, and Brittany’s expression fell a little. “In a week I will be. I just came here now so I could find an apartment.”

“What do you mean?” Brittany’s brow furrowed and she frowned. Santana quirked an eyebrow, tilting her head as she looked at her girlfriend. “Why aren’t you going to stay here?” 

“I... well, I could. If you want.” It wasn’t that Santana hadn’t considered that option, she just didn’t want to rely on it. She totally understood the concept of needing her own space, and she didn’t want Brittany to feel like she was pushing all this on her if she didn’t want it. Even now, she still felt like she needed to be careful about that sort of thing. Brittany didn’t seem to be as worried as she was.

“Of course I want you to stay here,” she said, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss against her lips. “That way I can see you every single day. We can have breakfast together and cuddle and not have to talk about tv shows on the phone cause we’ll be watching them at the same place.” Santana smiled, reaching up to brush her hair out of her eyes. Brittany paused, looking down for a moment. “I can’t believe you got a job here. That’s the best thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“I just couldn’t stand to be so far away from you anymore,” Santana said softly, and Brittany’s gaze met hers again. “I hated not being able to hug you, touch you, kiss you, any of that. It hurt not to be able to be with you.” Brittany leaned in and kissed her, slow and long, her hand moving up to cup the back of Santana’s neck. It seemed like slow motion, the way every brush of their lips together seemed to last forever. 

“Well you can do all that now,” Brittany murmured, her body pressed in so close against Santana she felt like she could feel the other girl’s heartbeat. Her fingers twined into Santana’s hair at the nape of her neck, tightening a little, and Santana’s lips fell open with a soft sigh. Not wasting any time, Brittany kissed her again, taking advantage of her parted lips and slipping her tongue into her mouth.

After months of seeing and hearing but not touching, that kiss was like heaven. Her hands slid down to Brittany’s waist and pulled her hips in closer, their legs tangling together. What started out as such a sweet, soft kiss quickly turned heated, and Santana moaned into her mouth as their tongues slid together. The way Brittany’s free hand was roaming all over her body, the way her fingers were tugging lightly at her hair, it was all just turning Santana on quicker than she realized. It made it just that much more so when Brittany rutted up against her leg. 

“Fuck, Brit,” she groaned as she broke away from her mouth, her hands sliding down and grabbing her ass as she rocked their hips together. Brittany just whimpered in response, leaving open mouthed kisses along Santana’s neck as her hand slid down her torso. The muscles in Santana’s stomach jumped as Brittany’s fingers skimmed over it, and she tightened her fingers in Brittany’s shirt as the other girl undid the fastenings on her jeans. 

A low groan sounded deep in her throat as Brittany’s fingers forced their way past the thick denim of her jeans and over the thin cotton of her panties. Those long, slender fingers felt so good against her and it wasn’t even skin on skin contact yet. It had been far too long since they’d had the chance -- since that first time Santana went to visit her. They had pretty much spent the most of their time together in bed, pretending like they were helping Brittany avoid going back to the apartment while Ricky was moving out. 

She whined a little as Brittany’s hand pulled away, but was cut short as their mouths connected again in a heated kiss. There was a brief pause before she felt Brittany’s fingers sliding down inside her underwear and between her legs. Santana was already so wet and the way Brittany moaned into her mouth when she felt that was just making it worse. Not worse, better. She pulled her hands out of the other girl’s shirt so she could shove her jeans down off her hips, moving the restrictive fabric away to give Brittany better use of her hand. 

It was a good thing Santana was backed up against a wall, the way her knees kept threatening to give out with ever twitch or flick of her girlfriend’s fingers. She actually did slump against it a little as Brittany pushed two fingers into her, keeping her thumb pressed against her clit as those fingers pumped in and out slowly. Her hands gripped onto Brittany’s shoulders to keep herself steady, and she kissed along her jaw, sucking on the pulse point below her ear enough to make her moan. That was only fair, considering how Brittany’s fingers were stroking inside her _just so_ and making her feel like every muscle in her body was tightening fit to explode. 

Her teeth dug into Brittany’s skin a little before she pulled away with a cry, her body arching off the wall as she went over the edge, her orgasm hitting her hard. She trembled as she came back down, slowly loosening her grip on her girlfriend’s shoulders and lifting her head up to look at her. That look in Brittany’s eyes, that pure love, it was more than Santana had ever dreamed of having. Her breath was ragged, but she pulled her in and kissed her deeply; a slow, tender kiss like they’d had before. 

Santana broke away as her body trembled in an aftershock. She reached down, tugging her jeans back up into place before running her hands along Brittany’s sides. “What do you say,” she started, her voice rough, and she paused to brush a lightly kiss across her lips, “you show me my new room, and _I’ll_ show you just how glad I am to be here.”

A grin broke out across Brittany’s face and she linked her pinky with Santana’s, leading her back further into the apartment.


	5. Chapter 5

Moving to New York hadn’t been that easy. 

There was no way all her things would fit in Brittany’s apartment, no, _their_ apartment, and it helped that Brittany had been living there for a while and had everything furnished already. Santana had been able to sell most of the furniture from her apartment, except what she knew she would need, and got herself a storage unit for anything else she didn’t want to take. Even still, packing up the truck had taken a long while and then the drive to the city the next day took even longer.

Driving ten hours in a giant truck that rattled and shook like it might stop working at any moment definitely didn’t rank on her list of favorite things, but that didn’t matter. There wasn’t much of a choice. So she woke up while it was still dark out, and drove, drove, and drove some more. Countless cups of coffee and rest stop breaks later, she managed to get to the city. She would have taken ten more hours on the road if it meant she didn’t have to try and navigate that truck through the streets of New York City. 

It was a miracle that Santana got a parking spot right there by the apartment building. If she hadn’t, she honestly thought she might kill someone to get their parking spot. That much time on the road, then the stress of driving in the city, she was ready to throttle anyone who happened to cross her. It also wasn’t until she got there and parked that she realized she had to unload everything that was in the truck. Brittany was at rehearsal all day, and that meant she was on her own.

She was exhausted, and the last thing she wanted to do was spend the rest of her day traipsing up and down the stairs to and from the apartment, carrying box after box. That was why she didn’t have any inhibitions about talking to strangers, and she started asking almost every guy who passed who didn’t look like he was on his way somewhere important if he would help her move her stuff up to her apartment. It took a lot of asking, and a bribe of money, pizza, and beer, but eventually she managed to get a couple guys to help. 

Two hours later, everything had been moved up into the apartment. The guys who had helped her were gone, and she had taken the truck to a drop off location. It had been a really long day, and by the time Santana had gotten off the subway and back to her new home, she was completely exhausted. She should have split up the trip between two days, but she’d wanted to get it over with. Having to stay at some hotel in the middle of Pennsylvania or somewhere, she hadn’t wanted to do that. Now it was all done, and she was glad.

She was going to wait to deal with the boxes scattered throughout the apartment. There was no way she could unpack much of anything that night. She had made sure to pack a separate bag with what she needed for her first day of work, thankfully, so she didn’t have to worry about that. Right at that moment, the only thing she cared about was finding her shower things and getting clean. After spending that long in the car, and then hauling her junk up so many flights of stairs, she felt disgusting. 

It took a good bit of fidgeting with the water before it was at a good temperature. Santana left her clothes on the tile floor of that bathroom and stepped in under the hot stream of water, letting out a loud sigh. That felt even better than she had expected. She let her head tilt forward, her chin almost resting against her chest as she let the water pound against her shoulders and neck. Everything was sore from that drive, but at least that was helping even the smallest bit. She moved her head back, letting her hair get saturated completely before she turned to let the water wash over her face. 

More than anything, Santana was tired. After getting up so early and driving so long, she just wanted to go to bed. Or take a nap right there in the shower, that would work well enough. She couldn’t even muster up the energy to wash her hair, or grab a loofah and scrub at her skin until she didn’t feel gross anymore. All she could do was stand there and let the water, hot and soothing, hit her chest.

It wasn’t until a pair of arms slid around her waist that she realized she had been starting to fade out of consciousness. Santana hadn’t heard the front door open or close, or the bathroom door either, though she wasn’t entirely sure she had closed the latter in the first place. She never had at her old apartment, and habits tended to stay strong. She hadn’t heard anything happening outside the shower, nor had she heard anyone get into the shower with her. All things considered, she was glad that it was her girlfriend and not someone else who had managed to get into their apartment.

“Hey you,” Brittany said softly, kissing her shoulder as her arms tightened around her. 

“Hey,” Santana murmured, squirming so she could turn around to face her. She slipped her arms around her and pressed a light kiss to her lips, lingering as she enjoyed the feeling of Brittany’s mostly dry skin coming in contact with hers. Her hands skimmed along her back, and she made a soft, sad sound as Brittany pulled away, but the other girl just moved around her to be under the water.

“Cold,” Brittany offered in explanation before tilting her head back and letting her hair get soaked. She reached up behind her to get shampoo from the caddy hanging off the shower head, but grabbed Santana’s instead of her own. After putting some of it in her hand, she tucked the bottle back up in its place and spread the shampoo across both her hands before reaching out and working it through Santana’s hair. 

If Santana hadn’t been tired before, that would have pushed her over the edge. The way Brittany’s fingers were massaging against her scalp, working the shampoo through her hair, spreading out the suds and the scent of lavender, it was the most amazing feeling in the world. She rest her hands on Brittany’s hips to keep herself steady as her eyes closed, and she basked in how great that felt. A featherlight kiss brushed against her lips before she felt herself being guided under the water, and she automatically let her head fall back as Brittany ran her fingers through her hair repeatedly, making sure all the shampoo got washed out. 

Once the shampoo was out, Brittany did the same thing with her conditioner. Santana wished it wasn’t so soothing, the way her fingers were digging lightly against her scalp and running through her hair. It just made the fight to stay awake so much more difficult. She knew she had to, though, otherwise she would probably get injured from falling over in the shower and she’d miss her first day of work, not to mention scare Brittany half to death. So she fought against the sleepiness trying to take her over, and let her girlfriend move her under the water again to wash the conditioner out of her hair. 

“C’mere.” Santana waited until she seemed to be finished working out the conditioner before she opened her eyes and reached up above them, grabbing down Brittany’s shampoo. It was that same apple shampoo she’d been using since they were in middle school -- made for kids, and a 2-in-1 with the conditioner. She put some in her hand, careful to keep it out of the water as she put the bottle back. Brittany’s eyelids fluttered closed as Santana ran her hands through her hair, making sure to get the shampoo all the way through to the ends. Her head lolled a little under her touch as she rubbed against her scalp with her fingertips. 

“That feels so good,” Brittany mumbled, and Santana ran her fingers down through the length of her hair, working out the little tangles and making sure it was all sudsy. She moved her under the water and took her time washing it out. Once she was done, Brittany reached back and grabbed the two loofahs off the hooks, holding one out to her. The look on her face was innocent, almost hesitant, and she offered Santana a hint of a smile. “I’ll wash you if you wash me?”

Santana agreed with a nod and took the loofah from her, and they each got down their respective shower gels. It was quiet in the shower, other than the rhythmic pulsing of the water hitting their skin, as they slowly worked their ways along each other’s bodies, scrubbing softly and letting the lather settle on their skin. The smell of vanilla and strawberries filled the air, and they stepped further under the water together, letting it run all over and wash the suds away. 

Their skin slid together, wet and slick, and Santana slid her hands around to rest at the small of Brittany’s back. She felt so much better than she had before, all clean and warm and relaxed, and standing there with Brittany was making it even better still. They stood there, just holding each other, occasionally dropping little kisses along each other’s skin. She had completely lost track of how long they had been in there, but it had been long enough since the water had turned from hot to lukewarm, and then started to turn cold. 

Brittany reached down and turned off the water, leaning out from inside the shower to grab some towels for them. Santana dried off, squeezing the water out of her hair before wrapping it up. She glanced up right in time to see Brittany holding a robe out of her, a grin on her face. “It’s fuzzy and soft,” she offered. “I have one too, except mine’s pink.”

“Thanks, Brit,” Santana said with a smile, taking the robe and slipping it on. Brittany was right, it was really fuzzy and soft and just so comfortable that all she wanted to do was crawl into bed. She didn’t even want to take the time to blow dry her hair, she just hung the towel up beside Brittany’s and followed the pink robe clad girl to the bedroom.

Santana crawled onto the bed, sprawling out on her stomach, and Brittany flopped down next to her, pulling the covers up over them and nestling into her side. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispered against Santana’s still damp hair, kissing at it before burrowing her face into her shoulder. 

“I’m glad too,” she murmured, lazily draping her arm across her girlfriend and pulling her in close. It had been a long, long day, and she was more than glad to let sleep finally claim her now that she was lying there in bed with her.

_______________

When the alarm went off the next morning, Santana realized what an unwelcome sound it was in her life. She moved to roll over and hit it, but there was something in her way. No, not something. Someone. With a sleepy smile, she realized it was Brittany. Not only was it Brittany, but she was in New York, and everything was finally working out right. She carefully leaned over her girlfriend and turned off the alarm clock, trying her best not to jostle her as she got out of bed.

She pulled her laptop out of her bag and took it out to the living room, getting a bowl of cereal and sitting down to catch up on her email before she needed to get ready for work. There was the usual junk, as well as one from her mother that she didn’t plan on reading until later after work when she had a drink or two in her system. The one email that caught her eyes was one from Rachel Berry, signalling the arrival of another one of her newsletters. Santana clicked it open and scrolled down. 

Rachel had just been cast in a show. Kurt was really hoping to be on what was probably the fiftieth season of Project Runway. There was Santana’s bit about how she got hired by a publishing house in New York, but when skimmed down and saw what Brittany had sent in she almost choked on her cereal.

_Brittany S. Pierce found a Santana out on her doorstep and decided to let her into her apartment and keep her forever._

If Santana had any concerns about moving to New York before that, which she hadn’t, that would have gotten rid of the right there and then. And when Brittany padded out of the bedroom and over to the couch, curling up with her head on Santana’s lap, she knew she was exactly where she wanted to be and stay, as Brittany had said, forever.


End file.
